you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
