I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
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According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
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You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
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