Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
