There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
