He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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