Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Randomize
