dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Randomize
