If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
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