True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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