dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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