My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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