I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I want to be your penis for a week.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
