I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
