im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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