Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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