those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
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