I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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