there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
