Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
