I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
