I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
We need to rekindle our bromance
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
