College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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