I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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