then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
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You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
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well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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