I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
