Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
