wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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