Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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