I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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