Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
