Your face is a jimmy john
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
