You work out of a Hotel?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
