I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
