ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
