Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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