im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
