So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
