I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
All I want is dick and wine.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
