drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
