So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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