Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
