my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
