Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
