Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
