Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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