i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
