If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
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