Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
Randomize
