i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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