6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
