I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
