I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
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