She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
