This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
