Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
